November 29th, 2022
“Self-care” – has arguably become one of the most diluted terms in mental health today. Exploited by self-help gurus as capitalistic fodder, it is served up repeatedly as another area of life that women must master. If we practice self-care efficiently, it holds the promise of a life of fulfillment and happiness. Touted as a magic bullet, we have received the message loud and clear: we should enjoy self-care, and if we do it consistently, we will be relieved of the stress and anxiety that is inherent to womanhood.
Do it now.
Do it consistently.
Do it alone.
Feel better.
The implication is that if we aren’t doing it, then surely we aren’t trying hard enough. There isn’t a built-in support system hiding anywhere; the village doesn’t magically appear. Women are still on our own to navigate yet another hurdle: to excavate for more resources, time and energy from an already depleted mine so that we can become ……….better? More pleasant and digestible for those around us?
We have heard the news flash: real self-care is not just a bubble-bath or eating chocolates. True, but it’s also not necessarily a retreat that takes us out of our daily life for a relaxing week only to plop us back into our very same (very full) life. It might also not be a hot-yoga-cycling-barre class that requires us to stress about rearranging our schedule for alternating afternoons, mornings and weekends.
Real self-care is attending to our daily lives (including ourselves) to feel like we are in order and well cared for. This might include a retreat if you know what you are looking for and exactly what you will take away from it. It might be a yoga class if it doesn’t add more stress than it clears. But, it could also be paying the bills that you’ve been avoiding, fueling your body with nourishment, cleaning the house, or going grocery shopping. Not so glamourous? Maybe not – but when we do something that we have been putting off or avoiding in the interest of taking care of our bodies, souls, and minds we feel just a bit better. It isn’t a commodity, and it isn’t hyperbole. We do deserve the self-love and care that it requires to be present and tend to our everyday needs.
This is not to say that self-care is a to-do list – it is not. Proper self-care means checking in with your values, and making tough choices guided by those values. It means that when you live life in this way, with self-care as part of values-driven daily life, you are mitigating the chances of wearing yourself down and burning yourself out. You are also being mindful of cultivating the relationships that are most important to you.
Self-care is something we do to stay well, not something we start to use to try to get well once we are already in need of help.
If you are seeking help for yourself, you need support, not a trendy new tool or program packaged as “self-care” that will shame you for not following through on it. This new weaponized self-care might actually isolate or harm you and your relationships that matter most.
Here is how you can truly do self-care today:
Check In with your values
Consider what is important to you within a handful of major areas in your life and then ask yourself this question:
“Is how I am behaving in line with my value (family/work/education)?”
Assessing how much of an emphasis you put into those areas in terms of your time, energy and care will help you to see objectively how aligned you are with your values in day-to-day life.
Life Areas: Family relationships, friends/social relationships, marriage/intimate partner relationships, parenting, community, spirituality, work/career/education, leisure/fun, personal growth, physical health/well-being/rest.
Example:
One might say “I value living in this community because there is so much to do,” but then notice their behavior is they rarely get out into the community or participate in any events. This is incongruent and out of sync with their values.
Once you are aware of your values: Notice where you might be procrastinating, ignoring or avoiding. Notice and label what emotions come up for you while you are reflecting. Set intentions around those areas you value most in order to be congruent.
Other activities you can do to attend to your true needs:
If it seems like this looks like a to-do list, it’s because self-care does consist of responsibilities that we have to ourselves to keep us healthy in mind, body and spirit. Engaging in these activities helps us to feel better because, in doing so, we build trust in ourselves by keeping promises we make to ourselves. We tend to procrastinate or avoid due to the discomfort caused by fear of rejection, fear of failure, fatigue, boredom, complicated feelings of worthiness, etc. By accomplishing tasks that are important to us, we let ourselves know that we have our own backs.
Connecting to yourself and your needs allows you to also connect in a more meaningful and purposeful way with others. When we give ourselves intentional permission to nourish our mind, body or soul, we are de-weaponizing the self-care that is being packaged and sold to us and reclaiming the power of true self-care.